IgneousQuill is Coming to a Close

In January 2006, IgneousQuill was born. It came in the aftermath of the worst year of my life thus far, the year I lost my father, quit full-time ministry and moved my family across country from New Mexico to New Jersey. In those difficult days, the original blog provided a means to sort out my thoughts and find my heart again. Over the years that blog shifted from personal to theological to technological in focus, and then broke into four blogs, each with a distinct subject area. For about a year or so I've been mulling over the future of the "brand," if I dare call it that, and have finally decided to retire it.

The blogs bearing the IgneousQuill name will remain live online, at least for the foreseeable future, but will no longer be updated. I'm now blogging at "Missional Journeyman," and invite you to join me there.

If you are a blogger and have me in your blogroll, please update the link.

Thanks for your continued readership.

It's been a good run. 

The following was brought to my attention by my boss, and I thought it was pretty funny and spot-on. It isn't showing up at the link in search results, so I pulled it from a cached copy. - AG

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This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.


AN IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING THE COPYRIGHT:
This Evil Overlord List grew out of the exchanges on what is now the Star Trek mailing list "shields-up@spies.com", beginning in 1994 (when it was still "startrek@cs.arizona.edu"). We were kicking around cliches that appeared on "Deep Space 9" at the time, and I started to compile a list of classic blunders they were making. The list came to about 20 or so items. In 1995, I decided to try to make it into a Top 100 List. I attached a copyright notice, some friends of mine posted it to a few newsgroups, and the contributions quickly poured in. In 1996 I revised the list entries to their current form, the Web page went up, more contributions were solicited, the list expanded beyond 100 and I had to open up a dungeon. I continued to contribute items; my total is around 40 or so. So while I am the originator, editor, and principal contributor, I certainly did not write the majority of the items on the list -- as may be seen by the sheer number of individuals who are listed as contributors. Around 1997, as the final contributions were coming in, a couple contributors mentioned that this was similar to a list of things not to do if you capture James Bond that had appeared on a sci-fi newsgroup. I'd never heard of or seen this list, so I assumed it was parallel development or perhaps something I had inspired.

On November 12, 2002, I exchanged some emails with Jack Butler who has a list on his website. Sayeth Mr. Butler: "This list has its origins on the now-nonexistent FidoNet Science Fiction and Fandom (SFFAN) email echo, in a discussion regarding a sketch seen on an episode of Saturday Night Live sometime in 1990. In the sketch, several Bond villains were appearing on a talkshow touting their new book, "What Not To Do If You Capture James Bond". The discussion on SFFAN was specifically regarding what advice might be found in that book. The instigator of the discussion was Alesia Chamness; other contributors included Jason Welles, Brian R. Williams, Merideth Knepper, and Alexi Vandenburg. I was also one of its contributors. When I originally posted this list to the Internet in 1994, I did so without any awareness of Mr. Anspach, the Star Trek mailing list on which his version of the list appeared, or (later) his website."

Apparently both lists were compiled during overlapping periods of time. Comparing the two, some items appear on one list but not the other. Other items appear identical to those on this list; since many are the result of my writing or editing, I believe they were taken from this list and posted to that list without permission. But other items on that list appear identical to contributions I received before I edited them. Those items may have been taken from that list and submitted here under false pretenses, or they may have innocently been submitted to both lists by their originators. It appears that as a result of this "cross-contamination", the two lists have arrived at a point where there are variations on each other and it is probably impossible to untangle them. (I would still like to talk with Alesia Chamness. If you know her, please ask her to email me.)

I believe Jack Butler when he says the list on his website is the current form of the James Bond Villain list, and I thank him for helping to clarify matters. Let me state that I had nothing to do with the FidoNet SFFAN list which is firmly in the public domain, and I lay no claim to it. The copyright statement attached to my list applies only to this list, in the form it appears.

    -- Peter Anspach

Attention all Evil Overlord List Aspirants: Contrary to popular belief, taking over the universe is not as easy as it would first appear. Due to the complexity of this task, Peter regrets that he is currently unable to give the list the attention it deserves. The list is therefore going on a temporary hiatus. This is a temporary condition. As soon as he is able to respond in a timely manner -- or until he becomes unquestioned lord and master of all things, whichever comes first -- the list will not be updated and no new suggestions will be considered. He would sincerely apologize for this inconvenience, were it in character for an Evil Overlord to do so.

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Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Book Review: The Book of Deacon

One of the most pleasant surprises to me in acquiring first the Android Kindle app, and then a full Kindle device, was the discovery of so many fantasy books available for free through Amazon.com. At the same time, I've learned that while there's a lot of "chaff" and the "wheat" can be tricky to sift out. Some of the titles I've downloaded were barely worth the effort. It's also interesting to me that offering the first book of a series for free in Kindle format is apparently a gimmick for hooking readers to pay for the rest of the series. Not a bad deal, given that most of the following titles I've seen tend to go for only $2.99 or so. "The Book of Deacon" is one of the good free titles, first in a series, convincing me to spend a little money on the following books in the series.

Author Joseph Lallo tells most of the story from the perspective of a woman on the run, Myranda. She's in a struggle for survival, trying to keep her opposition to a war that's raged for over a century to herself, but not succeeding very well. Moving from town to town as her welcome runs out, she stumbles into an adventure that pulls her along to uncover unexpected truths about herself, the war and the world she lives in.

In any fantasy novel the source and methods of magic are of interest. For the world in which Myranda lives, spirits, crystals, mysticism and meditation appear to work together to enable supernatural effects. There are elemental magics as well as white, grey and black magic. Rather than the colors of these latter fields of magic indicating alignment, they signify the effects. White magic is healing and restorative, grey is of neutral impact, and black is destructive. None of these are inherently good or bad in moral or ethical terms.

This story really moves along. The first couple of times the narrative shifted from Myranda to some far-off general it was disconcerting, but as I continued reading I realized it was necessary. The protagonist goes from one event and experience to the next, and as I neared the end of the book I was impressed at how much story had actually been told.

The author of The Book of Deacon has a new fan with me, and I've already bought the second book, "The Great Convergence."

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See Also:
Book Review: Smallworld

Hag's Hovel

Based on The Atlantean Trilogy fantasy RPG system, copyrights held by

Stephan Michael Sechi.

This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this short story are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.

Copyright 2002 Adam W. Gonnerman

Lira Rihod had traveled far seeking knowledge.  Across scorching deserts and Demon’s Maw Abyss, through lush plains and verdant prairie, across the treacherous Goblin’s Peaks and now into the vast Moaning Wood Forest.  Here and there she has stopped, hoping to find some old forgotten spell or ancient artifact.  Her efforts had been rewarded, but scarcely as much as she had hoped.

Unconsciously her right hand thumb fiddled with her only ring, a simple silver piece of jewelry with an inset blue stone.  She had been crossing a shallow lake only a few days before in a small hired boat, when a madman came up out of the water and pulled her over the edge of the boat.  Tales of a monster in the lake kept most natives away from the body of water, and had reportedly driven up the cost of passage across. 

Down, down into the muddy water they descended.  Probably the fool had slain others this way, she thought, but they hadn’t the benefit of Cloak of Free Action.  Swiftly she drew her short sword and plunged it into the man’s chest.  Blood poured out into the already murky water, and in the dim half-light she could vaguely make out his shocked expression as he died.

Touching bottom and almost out of breath, she ran through the murk and found her way back to land.  Lying a while on the rocky beach, the boat she had hired nowhere in sight, her gasping became regular breathing.  Gathering herself, she took a deep breath and went running back into the water, moving as normally in the thick mud as she would on dry land because of her enchanted red cloak.  With a great deal of luck she found the corpse and in the gloom felt what she expected on one of the hands: a ring that permitted her to breath water. 

Thus she came into possession of two most useful items.  The first having been given by a grateful city mayor whose life she had saved from a band of wandering zombies.  (He had later tried to recover the cloak and have Lira burned at the stake, but that’s another story.)

Being a spell-caster already raises suspicions in the minds of simple villagers and farmers, but being a woman spell-caster was even more difficult.  Her chosen field was witchcraft, and as she did practice Black Magic, she tried her best to maintain a low profile.

She was young, barely 17 when her mistress was slain by a mob of angry townsfolk.  In spite of the help the old witch had given them through the years, they had never really trusted her and finally worked themselves into a frenzy when an infant was stillborn and some sheep disappeared the same night.  Thinking her to be to blame and that some demonic scheme was involved, they hired a band of thugs and rushed her secluded cave at the base of the cliff. 

Lira saw it all from a distant hillside.  Returning from gathering herbs in the jungle of this Basilinian-held region of Yassatonia, she heard the cries and screams of the dying from a distance.  Looking across the valley, the setting sun at her back, she watched her desperate mistress defend herself.  She held them off with her magic, slaying the thugs and quite a few of the villagers before, high above, several men managed to dislodge a rocky overhang.  Two fell with it, directly on top of Lira’s lady.

Horrified, Lira ran.  She ran until deep into the night.  She ran without caring, without thinking, without considering what dangers the jungle held.  That night was seared into her memory. 

Only four short years had passed, and the pain was as deep now as ever.  One day, she vowed, she would return more powerful than her slain mistress and destroy that village.  Zoe, Lira’s mistress, had shunned the power of Black Magic, devoting her time and energies to Elemental Magic and Enchantment instead.  Had she studied the darker arts, she would have been able to defend herself, Lira reasoned.  This thought drove her forward, day after day.  This conviction drove her to abandon the weak tinkling of Enchantment in favor of the power of Black Magic.  Yet in her few years of travel, her skill and power had grown precious little, at least in her opinion.

Word had it that a hag resided in these woods.  The weak-minded simpletons of one of the logging villages at the southwestern edge of the great forest had set her on the trail of this crone, and subsequent contact with other travelers and woods dwellers confirmed her presence.  Other dark beings stalked the shadowy undergrowth of this region of ancient trees, but thus far her trip had been relatively peaceful. 

“Well hello there,” a jovial voice called out in booming New N’rodic from beside the trail.  Startled out of her reverie, in an instant she had her short sword drawn and at the ready.  The tall, bulky man that approached her from among the trees had a hefty woodsman’s axe slung casually over his shoulder.  He grinned a big, toothy grin and introduced himself as Delmar the Tall.  Ignoring Lira’s drawn weapon, he casually explained that he was in the area scouting out a specific and relatively uncommon type of tree for his company to come in and fell in the near future.  A wealthy aristocrat in Jimjine City, a ways to the southeast, had contracted them to bring in the finest of woods for the interior of his new mansion.

“So, if you don’t mind my curiosity, what’s a fair lady like you doin’ way out here by herself?  You haven’t heard of the werewolves around here?”

“You don’t seem worried,” Lira replied in faltering New N’rodic.  She’d only begun to learn the language a year ago, and with almost no regular contact with others, her mastery of the tongue hadn’t gotten very far.

With that, the fellow laughed heartily and shook his head.

“Aye, but I be a bit bigger than you, red lady.”

“My name is Lira, and I can take care of myself.”

“Oh, I see,” he frowned, looking her over once more and apparently understanding that she was a magic-user of some kind.

“Now if you don’t mind,” Lira turned to walk away, sheathing her sword and choosing a spell to use should the lummox decide to pursue.

“Well then, see you later,” he ventured.  Lira didn’t bother to respond.

Indeed she had heard of werewolves in the woods, and suspected that there could be some truth to the local superstitions.  This forest was big, home to many monsters, no doubt.  And she was intent on meeting at least one of them.

In an isolated village composed of only 10 houses and one trading post Lira purchased a basket and filled it partially with provisions.  She also placed some of her finer and rarer herbs and spell components in the basket, which she intended on giving to the hag.  She hoped to win the creature’s willingness to take her in and teach her the arcane lore.

Night was falling, but Lira pressed on.  From the worried talk of the townsfolk, the hag’s hovel was very near.

The moon rose and partially illuminated the trail.  She had kept a steady pace for nearly an hour before being brought up short by the figure of a man a short distance ahead of her, standing at a fork in the road.

Resolute, Lira lowered her head and called to mind a spell as she continued forward.  Nearing the man, she glanced up to find that he hadn’t moved, and was staring at her expressionlessly.

Stopping once more, she saw that he was human, about middle-aged and quite handsome.  Most striking was the fact that he appeared to be an albino.

“Would you like some company, my dear?  It certainly isn’t safe out here.”

His voice was smooth.  Armed only with a dagger, wearing simple brown clothing and with only a rucksack slung over his shoulder, he might have been merely a peasant traveling to another town.  Something about his style, though, the way he carried himself, told her that this man was no simple villager.  Then she noticed the magical inscriptions on his wooden staff, and she realized that he was likely a fellow spell-caster.

“You’re the second to offer.  No, I am fine.”

“Surely you are going to the next town.  It is still far from here.  We could keep each other company on the journey,” he said, indicating the well-worn path to his right. 

“No, I go left here.”

Looking curiously at the narrow, overgrown path to his left and then back to Lira, he commented, “Unusual choice.  You do know the stories of a hag at the end of this trail, don’t you?”

“Yes, I plan to meet her.”

“And this basket in your hand?  For her?”

“Perhaps.”

“Well, good luck.  You’ll be needing it, I believe.”

The man continued to stand at the junction as Lira turned down the windy, dark trail.

Strange, nighttime noises sounded out continuously from the forest around her.  It made Lira more than slightly edgy, and twice she almost turned back.  Her determination pushed her forward, her thirst for power negated her reasonable fear of the encounter she planned to have.  Normal people avoid hags.  Even powerful magic-users generally know enough to keep their distance from them.

Crossing a small, rotten wooden bridge, Lira found the path becoming clearer.  In minutes she was at the door of the hovel, the smell of wood smoke filling the air.

“Mistress of the night, o wise women, forgive the intrusion of your humble servant,” she began in the Dark Tongue, trying to maintain her calm as she recited from memory, “your handmaiden comes bearing gifts.  It is hoped that the powerful keeper of secrets who dwell herein might allow this unworthy one to be of service.”

A long paused followed, panic beginning to rise within her.  Lira used all her energy to resist and stand her ground.  Her heart leaped and she almost lost control of her bladder when a voice, creaky like an old rusty hinge, said from within, “Very well young one.  Open the door and make yourself known.”

Trembling, Lira opened the crude door and ducked inside.

The only light was coming from a roaring fire beneath a black pot in the fireplace.  The odor in the place was rank, stinking of rotting meat, dung and wood smoke.  Books and scrolls were strewn about haphazardly.  This hag seemed truly careless with her belongings, thought Lira, as she realized that she was standing on a page from a spell book.

“Closer, child” creaked the voice from a straw bed against the wall to Lira’s left. 

The covered figure seemed larger that expected for a wizened crone, and a black hood was pulled up over her face, exposing only her chin in the dim light.  The scene was far stranger than any Lira had imagined, and only got stranger as she noticed white hairs beginning to sprout out of the hag’s face at an alarming rate.  The hag’s hands also were becoming covered by white fur.

“Forgive my curiosity, mighty one, but your form is much bigger than I had anticipated, and you appear to be transforming,” she said, backing away.

With a roar, the beast leaped out of the bed and upon her, casting away the black cloak and blankets that had covered it.  It was a great white werewolf.

No spell readily in mind and taken quite by surprise, Lira fell heavily to the ground, the werewolf’s weight driving the wind out of her lungs.  The creature clawed at her body, sending waves of pain coursing through her.  With great exertion she doubled up and kicked out with both feet, knocking the werewolf away and allowing her to draw a few gasping breaths. 

The white monster roared, leaping towards her again.  This time she was ready and cast an Eldritch Fire spell that shot out a bolt into the werewolf’s chest.  Yelping loudly as the bolt struck home, leaving a gory black mark on the beast, it continued its assault.  No time left to draw her sword, the creature was on her again, tearing at her chest and belly, attempting to bite her neck.

A loud crash came from the door, and a wet, cracking sound was followed by blood and brains dropping down into Lira’s face.  A large silver-headed axe was sticking out of the now quite dead monster’s head.  As she watched, the axe was withdrawn and the werewolf transformed back into a human.  To her amazement, it was the man from the junction.

Rolling the corpse off of her, the woodsman helped Lira to her feet.

“Hope you don’t mind that I followed you.  Truth be told, I’m not a lumberjack,” at that he guffawed.  Seeing that she wasn’t amused, he continued, “Actually, the villages around these parts got together and hired me and a few other fellers to kill the wolfman, but the first time we found him he was normal, except he’s a witchdoctor!”

“Your fellows were killed, weren’t they?” Lira finally spoke, apparently startling the stout man.

“Yes, well, harrumph!  Yes.  Pretty bad way, too.  I barely escaped, took me weeks to recover.  Anyway, I figured I could kill him when we was in his wolfish form, so I’ve been skulking around these woods for days, waitin’ for my chance.”

“Lucky for me,” commented Lira, even feeling some sincerity in that statement.

“So, uh, you’ll be headin’ back with me then?  I mean, I’d just as soon not stay here too long.  Makes me sort of uneasy.”

“No, I intend to stay a little while. I’d like to have a look around.”  Pensive a moment, she wondered out loud, “Suppose there was ever a hag here?”

“If there was, that were-witchdoctor must have finished her off.”

“Hags are quite powerful, often living on other planes,” this last word being from Basalinian, as she didn’t know the corresponding word in New N´rodic.  It didn’t seem to make much of a difference to the woodsman/bounty hunter.  “If the witchdoctor actually slew her, then it’s no small wonder that you escaped him alive.”

At that the tall man shuddered visibly, and Lira turned to sorting the parchments that were strewn about.

The bounty hunter gathered up the still form of the slain were creature and departed, pausing only briefly to make certain that Lira didn’t want to go with him.

For a moment she regretted not killing him, as surely he suspected that she was a magic user and would tell the villagers.  Then again, he had saved her life, and more than likely superstition would keep the commoners away long enough for her to find out the hag’s/witchdoctor’s secrets.  Deciding not to let it bother her, she stacked the parchments and gathered together what items she suspected might hold magic.  After lighting a hooded lantern and a few candles, then eating some provisions from the basket, she sat down to the first evening of study among many.

And what dark marvels she found.

"Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." - Steve Jobs - 1955-2011

With the passing of Steve Jobs, the world has lost a visionary leader in technology and business. As many have already commented, he was ahead of the curve and saw what we would want before we even thought about it.

The following is the video and text of Mr. Jobs' 2005 Commencement address at Standford University. A lot of great thoughts here, but perhaps my favorite:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs

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I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Book Review: Smallworld

When I discovered my new Android phone hasd a Kindle app, I knew I'd made the right choice in getting away from Blackberry. One of the first books I downloaded (for free, even!) was Dominic Green's "Smallworld," and it's turned out to be the first book I read through completely on my phone.

This book tells the story, in episodic chapters, of Mount Ararat. This is an asteroid circling a red star that, due to its super-dense core, supports an earth-like gravity (about half earth gravity, I believe) and holds an atmosphere. The inhabitants (at the story's beginning, at least) are the survivors of an attempt at colonization plus an eccentric hermit. A mini-agrarian society, they have odd religious names, "Reborn-in-Jesus" being the predominant surname.

Though I've seen some reviews where readers were put off by the format of this book and its apparent lack of a single driving storyline, I thought it made perfect sense. It was like a rather twisted version of Little House On The Prairie set on an astral body smaller than a planetoid. 

Had this not been a free book for the Kindle, it would have been worthwhile in paperback for a few dollars as well.  If you have a Kindle or a Kindle app and enjoy science fiction, download a copy of Smallworld. I think you'll like it.

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See Also:
From a Blackberry Curve to a Samsung Replenish
My Seven "Must Have" Android Apps (So Far!)

My Seven "Must Have" Android Apps (So Far!)

As I mentioned recently here on this blog, I have upgraded from a Blackberry to an Android-powered Samsung Replenish. The difference feels almost as great as when I upgraded from a flip-phone to a Blackberry. Increased functionality, connectivity with wifi (something my old Blackberry lacked) and THE APPS...let's talk about the apps. Specifically, my seven favorites.

Neither Facebook nor Twitter apps are mentioned here. What I have now works just as well as what I had on my Blackberry, and should go without saying. The seven I'll now list work better than on my old device, or simply weren't available for it.

Amazon Kindle - I couldn't believe it when I saw this in the list of available apps, and it seemed too good to be true when I started downloading books for the app. Some folks might not like the screen size, but I'm good with it. I'm already almost through my first book on this device, a free science fiction book entitled "Smallworld." So many free books are available through Amazon.com that I've stopped carrying my messenger bag with me to work most days. Why lug dead trees around?

Angry Birds - I'd been hearing about this game for quite a while and played it on an iPad at an Apple store, but only on my Android phone did I get a chance to really enjoy it. I'm not a game fanatic and don't tend to get addicted to games, but this is one that really helps pass the time.

YouVersion - This is an app I had on my Blackberry, but wasn't able to download and keep local copies of Bible versions with it. This made it useless on my commute underground via train to work in Manhattan. Now I have a few different Bible versions handy at all times, signal or no signal. I'm especially enjoying the new Common English Bible that comes complete with the Old Testament Apocrypha.

Evernote - Another app that I had on my Blackberry, Evernote just works better and faster on my Replenish. I can take notes, create new notebooks and manage information better than before.

NPR News - It used to be that I had to use a little mp3 player to listen to NPR news on the way to the train station. Now I have it on my phone. No more juggling devices.

Pandora - This app was available on my Blackberry but kept locking up all of the time. It wasn't very useful. Now I have a good assortment of music anywhere I have signal.

YouTube - On my Blackberry it was nearly impossible to watch YouTube videos. On my Android phone with this app I can catch up on my video subscriptions.

If you have an Android device and have a favorite app that isn't listed above, what is it and why do you like it? Tell me in the comments.

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See Also:
From a Blackberry Curve to a Samsung Replenish

From a Blackberry Curve to a Samsung Replenish

Earlier this summer I wrote a brief defense of my Blackberry. A couple of days ago I upgraded from it to a Samsung Replenish, an Android device with a full keyboard. This post is not a full review of the device, but I will say I really like it.

The Replenish uses Android, as I mentioned above. This has opened up the application floodgate for me. My favorites so far are the Kindle app and the ones for listening to NPR and Pandora. I have a nice collection of books (all free, so far) from Amazon on my device and am able to listen to news and music on my way to work. Very nice.

As a now-former Blackberry user one of the draws to this device was its format. It looks like a slightly stretched Blackberry. It's just as well that I prefer using a keyboard, because the virtual keyboard on this device is just a bit too small for my adult man fingers.

A more complete review may eventually be forthcoming. For now, enjoy this video review of the Replenish from cnet:

Wordpress and StumbleUpon Make News

Just a couple of weeks ago at work we were discussing the format for share links, and someone commented that the StumbleUpon button should be replaced by a Google Plus share option. We all readily agreed. Apparently, we were wrong. According to StatCounter, StumbleUpon now accounts for more than 50% of all referral traffic from the top social media sites. Yikes! Where did that come from?


In slightly less surprising news last week, Wordpress now powers 14.7% of the top million websites in the world.

So I guess the two things to definitely have online these days are a Wordpress-powered site with a prominent StumbleUpon button!

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See Also:
StumbleUpon Drives More Than 50% of Social Media Traffic [STATS] (Mashable)
State of the Word (Wordpress News)
WordPress powers 14.7 per cent of the top million web sites (The H)